Just when you thought animals were only furry critters, basically cute stuffed animals that move, eat and publicly defecate, the news reports the true evil beneath the fur.

It’s a given that some members of the animal kingdom are tools of the devil.  Any creature that can fly over my head while relieving itself is no less than diabolical.  I only wish there was a starling and/or pigeon season because even I, a true bunny-hugging animal lover, would love to limit out.

We know squirrels are savage, deer are shifty, ferrets are not to be trusted, snakes make everyone jump and most bugs are really icky.  While I like spiders because they eat the icky bugs, I still found I had previously undiscovered powers of levitation when a spider crawled up my arm while I was watching The Daily Show.  I broke several nails by gripping the ceiling and was very lucky the ceiling fan was off.

But did you know even skunks swing?  The zoo in Kharkov, Ukraine announced they have named the country’s only pair of skunks after two presidents: Bush and Clinton.

You read that right: the Ukraine has only one pair of skunks and they are gay.

I guess whoever is in charge of the homosexual agenda can place a big checkmark next to #138: Infiltrate the smelly-animal sections in the world’s zoos.

Since each skunk was given a male name, one can only assume the breeding program will be a failure.  The zoo said the names were chosen to reflect the species’ geographic origin, North America, but you’ll notice they didn’t name either one Laura or Hillary.

What was most disturbing about the Ukrainian news release was that it described skunks as being “known for their ability to excrete a foul-smelling odor when alarmed” like this had been classified knowledge. 
Don’t these people ever watch Pepe Le Pew cartoons? 
What did communism do to those poor souls?

Not only are animals threatening our conservative sensibilities, they know how to work electronics.
Recently in Portland, Oregon, a three-year-old Pug, Bristol, made an “unauthorized departure” from a pet hospital located in a Petsmart.  The dog slipped out of his collar and got away by “activating the automatic sliding door.” 
Really.
Upon reading this story, I’m sure I had the same response of all of you: Is there a videotape of this?  I don’t know but I really hope they somehow work this stunt into the next Men in Black movie. 

If Bristol the Pug could figure out automatic doors, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before every hamburger stand drive-thru line is backed up by driving hungry pooches.  And you know they’ll make a huge mess out of the ketchup packets.

Gay presidential skunks and escaping doggies aside, there is an even more sinister example of animals acting like, um, animals.
Here, in Bend, Oregon, the newspaper headline reported the horror: “Berserk Llama Bites Woman.”

Don’t you just know newspaper editors elsewhere are gnashing their teeth over missing that story?

Seriously, though, the llama attacked a woman who was out with her young daughter and it was only through the help of neighbors that they escaped serious injury. 
But this story taught me something new. 
There is actually a condition called Berserk Llama Syndrome.

I couldn’t make this up if I tried, folks. 

BLS most commonly affects male non-altered llamas around the time of puberty.  “Berserk males tend not to be castrated, which means they have more testosterone.” 

I know this is true for other species as well because I have been in the presence of berserk males on too many occasions to count. 
I have witnessed what happens when you combine testosterone with alcohol when a football game is nearby. 
Berserk does not begin to describe the behavior exhibited in full public view. 
Grown-ass men, as well as the younger near-men, pay large sums of money for their event tickets and for the alcohol usually served as beer in tiny, little cups and then proceed to make complete fools out of themselves in front of others. 
They have actually been known to seek out cameras set up for nationwide coverage so they can show a larger audience their various body parts that have been painted, pierced or bloated by a vast number of tiny cups of beer. 

Kind of makes the gay skunks a much lesser threat, doesn’t it?