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| Where's the Joy? |  |
I think a lot of this is because of unrealistic expectations perpetrated on the American people by Budweiser and Norman Rockwell. Every year Budweiser runs television advertisements showing the famous Anheuser-Busch Clydesdale trotting through winter wonderlands while the jingle softly hums in the background. As a kid growing up in San Diego, we would watch these commercials and be filled with wonderment seeing the horses running through snow and pine forests. Oh, those evergreen trees that never lose their color! And the snow! It looks like Cool Whip and maybe, it tastes like it, too! Having lived in the Pacific Northwest for many years now, I can tell you that there is no such thing as an evergreen. Twelve months out of the year, as soon as you get the pine needles and juniper droppings swept up in the backyard and into the yard debris can, you will find another weekend’s work in the front yard. Evergreen, my ass. And snow? It ain’t Cool Whip. Those stately horses pulling the wagon? Having been to many local parades, I can assure you, if horses are running around, the snow doesn’t stay white. But the biggest lie has got to be the Norman Rockwell painting depicting “Freedom from Want” that has been used as the standard image for the perfect holiday meal. Let’s discuss this work. First off, see the mom bringing out the turkey? Did you notice that no one else is carrying so much as a roll? No, it’s mom who’s doing all the work while the rest of the people can’t get off their lardbutts to help out. And, more than likely, twenty minutes later, everyone will be through eating a meal that took three days to prepare and you-know-who will be stuck with the clean-up, too. And those other people at the dinner: why are they so excited over turkey? You know why turkey isn’t served all the time? It’s a pain to cook and even when it’s prepared right, there’s not a whole lot of taste. That’s why most cooks spend more time on the gravy than they do the meat. There are many (if given the option) who would choose to skip the turkey dinner if it meant they could have extra servings of dessert. Also, a lot of those people at the table are kids and if kids (and some adults) were writing the menu, it would only be pizza and Twinkies. And a lot of them would skip the pizza. Are those people at the Rockwell table supposed to be family? Where’s the relative who’s been nipping at the cooking sherry since the beginning of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? Where are the boy cousins who communicate solely by punching each other in the arm? I can’t find the sulking teenagers wearing black who sigh a lot and insist on giving graphic descriptions of how a turkey is butchered. We also need the nitpicker who takes a bite and then states how it could have been prepared better if only the cook had read the recipe correctly. The dad is wearing a suit. Yeah, right. We need a hairy-backed uncle wearing a wife-beater, a belligerent niece wearing a t-shirt with profanity on it and a toddler who will only wear this year’s Halloween costume and cowboy boots. No, that Norman Rockwell painting isn’t even American. Those people look to all be the same skin color, no one has summer teeth (sum are there and sum ain’t) and I can’t see a single inappropriate tattoo. I have a suggestion that instead of killing ourselves trying to make the perfect holiday in every respect, we all embrace these truly American holiday rules. 1. Know that every family tree has more than its share of nuts. Nuts are a crop. Harvest well. 2. Remember that some family trees are quite colorful but even the evergreens are a lot of work. 3. Don’t sweat the presentation. Ugly food usually tastes better. 4. A little holiday music goes a long way. Baby Jesus won’t be offended if you put on some jazz. 5. None of the winter holiday seasons should have official dress codes and it’s okay to wear a Halloween costume on days other than Halloween. 6. Celebrate the different paths to joy. Doing the same thing all the time may be tradition but it can also be a rut. 7. Serving pizza and Twinkies usually makes more people happier. Peace is a good thing, especially with small children. 8. Never forget that all snow melts. Spend some time indoors with those you love. 9. Imperfect holidays create the best stories. May you all eat too much, hug too hard and laugh too loud! Pray for peace in 2012!
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