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| Tofu Moo |  |
As if it wasn’t difficult enough to cook for a family of four, each of whom has completely different opinions as to the definition of “icky.” The main reason my son has decided to be a vegetarian is spite. He’s sixteen and that is the main motivation for just about everything he does. I’m afraid he was so traumatized by the Adkins Diet craze that had restaurants serving beef jerky instead of rolls; he rebelled in the extreme and decided he would eat nothing else but carbs. I can understand his refusal to eat beef. The daily news constantly reports stories of cow attacks for which humor writers everywhere are most grateful. Cattle are angry, bitter and depressed and have decided, it seems, that mooing aggressively is not enough of a statement. Last month in England, “a police inspector walking his dog through a field suffered life-threatening injuries after he was trampled by a herd of cows.” The law enforcement officer was quoted as saying, “I had never heard of killer cows before but I hope this is a warning to everyone.” Well, one would think so but one would be wrong. The BBC News reported that two heifers had escaped from a Darlington cattle market. Police marksmen, as of November 8, had shot one of the cows but the second one remained on the loose. I’m sure that after reading that news story, you had the same question I did. Marksmen? Really? Do you truly need the skill of a sniper to shoot a cow? I would think with a target that size and the average land speed of cattle; it would be a pretty easy task. But the police described the roaming cow as “extremely dangerous” and warned commuters and shoppers to be “on their guard.” I think being on guard for a dangerous cow should be a law or at least, printed on a t-shirt. Another cow who took exception to being at a livestock auction in New York fought back against a man with an accurately-placed head butt. After knocking him to the ground, “the cow then started attacking him. Workers at the auction pulled the cow away and started performing CPR,” upon the victim, I assume, but with it being New York, maybe “performing CPR” refers to an interpretive dance. In Wyoming last year, “an escaped cow sent a police officer to the hospital and badly damaged a squad car.” It was said the officer’s bulletproof vest saved him from more serious injuries. So, does being on guard while wearing a Kevlar vest enough to keep you safe from menacing moo-moos? Hardly. In the state of Washington, a minivan was struck by an apparent suicidal cow. The cow fell or jumped from a cliff 200 feet above the vehicle and landed on the hood. Her score for the dive was a 9.8 and she was only downgraded for failing to wave to the judges. With the bovines being so testy lately, I can understand my son’s desire to not antagonize them any further. So what does that leave? Tofu. Eager to support my son in his choice of foods, I frantically searched the internet for tofu recipes. I was amazed at the variety of ways you can serve tofu. You can stir-fry it. You can also stir-fry it. Oh, and for a change of pace, you can stir-fry it. Honestly, it seems that most of the recipes for tofu involve a wok and soy sauce. Tofu is usually eaten with chopsticks because even those who have deliberately chosen to eat it don’t want to do so in any big hurry. It jiggles like opaque Jell-O and appears to be made out of old-fashioned school paste. It tastes like paste, too, and no amount of soy sauce or ketchup will convince me otherwise. That’s why my own personal diet relies heavily on chocolate. No one throws red paint on you if you eat chocolate. It does not taste like paste. It makes me feel happy. It’s even earth-friendly as the journal Biochemical Society Transaction reports some microbiologist researchers at the University of Birmingham have discovered a way to produce hydrogen by feeding waste products from a chocolate factory to bacteria. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as chocolate-factory waste. You will certainly never see chocolate wasted in my own personal residence so I would have to find my hydrogen elsewhere. But best of all, it’s impossible to stir-fry chocolate.
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