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| 'Tis the Season |  |
Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons. Seasons of Wither. Season of the Witch. Seasons in the Abyss. Time of the Season. Seasons of Love. Season’s Greetings. A Man for All Seasons. Open Season. A Season to Remember. Season to Taste. Season to Date. Season to Savor. Season is Over. Pre-Season. Post-Season. Mid-Season. Season to Season. Rabbit Season! Duck Season! Rabbit Season! Wonderful seasons to be sure but now it is the season to hunker. Check the calendar all you want, in Central Oregon it is winter. This morning the thermometer read 3. That’s three. Three above zero, 97 degrees below 100, three. Tonight it is supposed to get colder. We’ve also had approximately 10 inches of snow since Saturday. So combine those two weather lulus and you get road conditions that can be summed up as: crap. Not that we’re not used to it here in Central Oregon. It kind of comes with the territory. Over in Portland, however, they are in a complete and total mad panic because there has been actual snowfall on the ground and today it was 15. We think they’re all a bunch of weenies. The public radio station said that while the local snow resorts were thrilled to be able to open on Thanksgiving weekend, an occurrence that does happen every year, they doubted the crowds would be large because “it has snowed in Portland.” Yeah, you certainly couldn’t drive through the snow to get to the snow, now could you? My son’s best friend lives in the Portland area and has had more snow days than my son. Here it could be, oh, say, 3 and there could be 10 inches of frozen snow on the ground and we tell our kids, “Don’t forget your gloves” as we shove them out the door. But when the sun goes down we have to unlock the door and let them back in and then it’s time to hunker. How, you may ask? How do you, being a native San Diegan, know how to hunker when you lived in an area where you don’t even chill the frozen margaritas to 3? How does one obtain hunkering skills? Glad you asked. It ain’t easy. Part of it is done for you by the weather. When it is, say, 3, your shoulders become physically attached to your ears and your neck disappears making you look like a bashful turtle. I dare anyone to look graceful and glamorous without a visible neck. It cannot be done. Rookies also benefit from the icy roads and sidewalks. The only way to maneuver oneself across these expanses is to either scoot on one’s behind or penguin walk. If one chooses to walk without regard to the conditions, one will land on one’s behind and then scooting becomes much easier but it gets zero style points. Penguin walking means taking teeny little steps side to side with a little hip waddle thrown in. Holding one’s arms out for balance may look a little trapeze-ish but if you try to place your hands on your hips for a jauntier look, you will, again, be reduced to scooting. The best strategy is to stay inside where walking is much, much easier. Once inside, you can hunker. While Beloved Spouse grew up in the same area as I did, he has perfected the hunker far beyond any level I could ever hope to obtain. I am envious. First, you put on a long-sleeve shirt of some kind. Even though your house has central heating, it is crucial for hunkerers to dress the part. Next, one must turn on the fireplace. We have a fake one so it’s easy but if you don’t, light a candle. A good hunkerer knows how to improvise. Next, pour yourself a cup of something hot. This is non-negotiable. You don’t have to actually drink it but to properly hunker, you must have a mug of something so hot it visibly steams. If you simply do not like hot drinks, put a cube of dry ice in your cup. Then, walk from window to window, look outside and do an obvious shudder. I can only do it with my shoulders but the hunkering expert utilizes his or her entire back. Don’t go overboard or your family will think you are having a seizure. Remember your style points. Finally, take a sip of your drink (or pretend to especially if you’re using the dry ice method) and say aloud, “Brrrr, it’s cold!” Make it sound like a meaningful statement of newsworthy content that requires media attention. Of course, it’s cold, we all know it’s cold, that’s why we’re inside hunkering because it’s so cold, but you still have to actually say it or you haven’t properly hunkered. ‘Tis the season.
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