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| Tennis Reasons |  |
“Yes, it is.” “I’ve never had tennis elbow. I’ve had golf elbow on the inside but never like you have it on the outside.”“Well, see,” I replied, “that’s even more proof that it’s your fault. This was meant to you but somehow, it missed.” Then, he started on this completely irrelevant rant about how it was physically impossible for a physical ailment to be contagious and I said, “Well, there you go.”“Where do I go?” “Thirty-one years ago I vowed to love, honor and cherish. I never promised to be reasonable. That’s not in the vows. I checked.”Case closed. Beloved Spouse has been playing tennis since he was a kid and is quite good at it. As a result, I know far more about tennis then I ever really cared to.And I can tell you with all seriousness and confidence that if you are looking for reasonable, do not go to a tennis court. When Beloved Spouse first started, tennis was played with wooden rackets. The sheer technological evolution that has taken place in the science of tennis rackets is stunning.Rackets now cost way more than I want to know and are so much better than they ever used to be. Even a spaz like me could probably beat someone if I used today’s racket and they used a wood racket. Yet, when a tennis player misses a tennis ball, he or she will blame the racket.They will stare at it with great concern delaying the match for hours if allowed. They simply cannot believe that they missed that last ball and surely, somewhere, there must be a gaping hole in the racket that allowed that ball to pass through. They will check the strings. They will examine the grip. That is, if they haven’t heaved the racket into the air in frustration after missing the ball.Because, it is the racket’s fault. In addition to the change in rackets, tennis clothing has also progressed.Back in the day, tennis shorts were tiny. You remember how Freddie Mercury of Queen (before the leotard phase...don’t ask) would begin a concert with clothing covering most of his body but by the time “God Save the Queen” was pouring out of the amps, he would have stripped down to basically a pair of tidy-whities? Tennis shorts were smaller.You must also wear tennis socks. Yes, really. Regular socks will not do. Shirts have also changed and you must wear the right kind. Bottom line is: if Roger Federer walked out onto a tennis court draped in cargo shorts, tube socks and a Budweiser t-shirt, he would look ridiculous.But, also, he would double-fault every ball he attempted to serve. Every ball would be out and the line judges would eventually tell him to go home and not come back until he learned how to dress properly to play tennis. Tennis clothes must also be washed differently.In my household, I am the laundress and I operate on a strict Darwinian process. Everything is thrown together and it is survival of the fittest. Whatever survives will be worn again. But, Beloved Spouse came home one day saying one of his tennis friends commented on the freshness of his fabric softener.I said, “Would he rather smell your manly sweat?” I lost that argument, too. Tennis clothes must be washed separately, in cold water, without fabric softener, no dryer or they have to be replaced and they cost a fortune.Tennis balls must also be a certain kind and don’t ask me what kind because I don’t know. I just know it’s not the cheap ones. Tennis shoes are also pricey and wear out quickly. Beloved Spouse does not play tennis as often as he wants to but even with his sporadic play, a good pair of tennis shoes might last a year but 6-9 months is closer to the average.I would imagine a player like Roger Federer must change shoes after every set. Tennis players are ranked by talent and age. Beloved Spouse was so looking forward to his 50th year because his birthday wasn’t until September. That meant he could play as a 49-year-old and wipe the court with the 50-year-old farts for nine whole months.Now, he is, of course, counting down the days until the time he will have an advantage over 60-year-olds. And they ALL do this. Every five years. It is a really big deal.So, garbed in proper clothing with a racket that doesn’t have a hole in it that mysteriously disappears when examined closely and using the correct tennis balls, not to mention having a fall birthday, will insure that you, too, can be a Tennis Player. Sounds reasonable to me.
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