Well, that didn’t take long.

It seemed within moments of President Obama announcing Sonia Sotomayor as his choice for Supreme Court Justice to replace retiring Justice David Souter, the personal attacks began including an anonymous friend of mine named Ron who thought Judge Sotomayor looked like Big Head Todd from the rock group Big Head Todd and the Monsters.

I think we can all agree making fun of someone’s appearance is unfair.  Rarely can one do anything about one’s physical characteristics.

Perhaps I am a bit more sensitive about the subject because I live in Central Oregon.  People here, as a rule, are quite physically fit.  The very idea of sweating on purpose in color-coordinated Spandex makes them swoon.

As far as I’m concerned, if I wanted to perspire while wearing tight clothes, I’d just try on some old jeans.

During the winter, I can more or less get away with it by claiming to be “pre-padded.”  When someone points out my optional insulation also includes my face, I respond with one of my wittier bon mots: shut up.

But now it’s warm and there’s nowhere to hide my extra shock absorbers.  On the other hand, if I keep expanding; I’ll never wrinkle.  I’m not overweight; I’m preshrunk.  At this rate, I’ll soon look like Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka as a swollen blueberry and I’ll be dependent on Oompa Loompas to save me.  Doesn’t it always come down to Oompa Loompas?   If I were my correct weight, I’d look like Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg after chomping down on a lemon slice.

Which brings me back to the insulting remarks made regarding federal appeals judge Sonia Sotomayor and if you think they smack of misogyny it’s because they do. 

But that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun with the Supremes.  For one thing, most Americans don’t even know who they are beyond their role in gift-wrapping the presidency for George W. Bush in 2000.  Yes, there are those of us who are STILL mad about that and we’ll get over it once Mr. Bush gives it back.

It’s true almost no Americans can name all nine Supreme Court justices.  Around half can name one.  More people can name the main characters of the original Star Trek television series and what happens to the guest character wearing a red shirt.  Just a friendly aside: don’t freak out when you see the color of the official uniform of Starfleet Academy in the new movie.

It’s a shame, really, because the Supreme Court justices are, gee; just swell. 

Really. 

Justice Anthony Kennedy was described by the New York Times as “energetic, self-effacing and immensely polite.”  See?  Underneath that robe, I’ll bet he’s a wild man who sometimes rides his Harley without waxing it first. 

Justice Stephen Breyer likes to cook, ride bicycles and bird-watch.  This wacky guy graduated in high school with a single, solitary “B.”  And you thought he was just an intellectual. 

Justice Samuel Alito picked up the nickname “Strip-Search Sammy” from those who disagreed with his dissenting opinion in a case involving police officers strip searching a mother and 10-year-old daughter.  The shocking part was the fact that some people aren’t still laughing over the name of the 2004 case: Doe v. Groody.

President George W. Bush appointed Chief Justice John Roberts because he thought he was Major Anthony Nelson from I Dream of Jeannie.  He really wanted to see “the little lady pop out of the bottle” and has yet to recover from his disappointment. 

Chief Justice John Roberts also “excelled at Latin” at his all-male Catholic high school and in the school production of You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown, he played Peppermint Patty.  

Really.

Justice Antonin Scalia moonlights as Shamu at Sea World on his weekends off.  Some professor at Boston University actually took the time to mine the 2004-2005 session transcripts to determine “Scalia was the funniest justice by a landslide instigating 77 laughing episodes.”

I don’t know about you but when a man the size of a bus instigates a laughing episode, I tend to run.

Animal Planet is scheduled to release a documentary on the life of Justice Clarence Thomas: Nature’s Playful Pervert of the Coca Cola Can.  He is rumored to have numerous tattoos but a volunteer to verify same has yet to be found. 

Justice John Paul Stevens is the elder statesman who was once presented with a pet dove, “Lindy” by Charles Lindbergh.  When asked what he thought of the new nominee for the court, Sonia Sotomayor, he was quoted as saying, “WHAT?”

In my humble opinion, the sole member of the bench who is truly qualified to be a Supreme Court Justice is Ruth Bader Ginsburg.  She is the only one with the necessary background and skill set to be able to render judgments that are wise, fair and reasonable while remaining within the framework of constitutional law.

Justice Ginsburg is a mother of two.