On average, most football players in the NFL are not cretins.

The rules of normal distribution which can be shown in a graph of probability density, familiar to most of us as a “bell curve,” dictates that there are a few players who would lose in Jeopardy to Gomer Pyle and there are a few whose play is so superior, their feet do not actually touch the ground.  The majority are average players.

My friend Nancy and I have been deeply concerned about our San Diego Chargers since before we were actually born. 

Some of the team members have committed acts of stupidity that are beyond our collective realm of comprehension.  We cannot believe that grown-ass men who are paid real, not Monopoly, money to play a game, blow their entire careers because of their choice of off-the-field activities. 

She and I also get extremely irritated with some of the activity choices made by our San Diego Chargers when they are on the field. 

We are adamantly convinced that were we allowed to use cattle prods on those with momentary lapses of reason, their play would only improve.

Imagine that a Charger does something completed boneheaded like jump offsides, drop a ball or fumbles.  Nancy and I, either separately or together which I think would look a LOT more impressive, would run onto the field, zap the player who so annoyed us and yell, “WRONG!  TRY IT AGAIN!”

The only drawback I can see to this plan is that more than likely, the referee would throw out his little yellow hankie to try and penalize our Chargers fifteen yards, at which point, we would have no choice but to use the cattle prod on the referee. 

And then chaos would break out as we would be showered with accolades by the fans and might even be awarded tiaras. 

The other temptation for us would be that there is this guy who plays on a different NFL team who we both really hate.  This player is in almost every television commercial shown during a football game and the main reason we hate him is that he is in almost every television commercial shown during a football game. 

Were we allowed to use our cattle prods as we desire, we might be tempted to move to Indianapolis just so that we would have more opportunities to use our zappers and when it comes down to it; neither of us really wants to move to Indianapolis.

But again, there are only a few individuals who we want to “correct.”  It’s the law of averages, the bell curve.

Another example of the bell curve is in test scores. 

If a teacher gives a test that most of the students fail; it is a bad test. 

If most of the students ace the exam; it is a bad test. 

The results should be that a few do poorly, a few do well and most of the scores are average. 

This simple standard is not in the No Child Left Behind Act, a law that deals with education and yes, I know; the irony is simply too massive to be believed.

While it may be statistically impossible, I have yet to find a teacher who likes the No Child Left Behind Act. 

My friend, Nancy, teaches fourth grade in San Diego and has done so for about 112 years according to her.  She tends to exaggerate so it’s probably only been 83 years. 

Her opinion of the No Child Left Behind Act is, and remember; this is an experienced teacher with a Master’s degree speaking: stupid.

You see, this act requires 100 percent of the student population of any given school must meet the state standards as per annual tests by the 2013-2014 school year or the school will lose federal funding.

Nancy and I are kind of on opposite ends of the political spectrum, that is, she’s a bit more Republican and I’m a long-haired, leaping gnome leftist, but we both agree that on this planet, it is impossible for 100% of anybody to do anything.  There are those who think this kind of law would help weed out the bad or ineffective teachers but a test where everyone gets every answer right would probably consist of questions like

1. Are you breathing both in and out?

2. Is it today?

3. Is you learning yet?

Over the school years, my children have had a few bad teachers.  It was unfortunate, unpleasant and very hard but Beloved Spouse and I told our kids, “You will always have difficult people in your life.  Learn to deal with it.”

From the nitwit at the fast food restaurant who cannot get your order right of a burger and fries even though those are the only two items on the menu to the bad boss to drivers who don’t have a friggin’ clue; morons are everywhere. 

And while you may wish to use a cattle prod against these difficult people, more than likely (law of averages/bell curve, remember?) there will be some pesky law on the books in that state that prevents you from legally doing so.

Much as they might deserve it.