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| Pop Quiz Time! |  |
Pop Quiz time! Question: What is the biggest threat America faces today? Is it: 1. Chimpanzees? By far the majority of chimpanzees are peaceful, loving primates. Wikipedia provides a truly fascinating chimpanzee fact: “Humans and chimpanzees share similar ticklish areas of the body, such as the armpits and belly. The enjoyment of tickling in chimpanzees does not diminish with age.”This means something. It probably has something to do with an otherwise rational humor columnist citing Wikipedia as a scientific source but more than likely is a tantalizing glimpse into the religious beliefs of chimpanzees which appear to be based on making life decisions by reading the patterns found in thrown feces. In general, chimpanzees do not watch American Idol, enjoy Celine Dion music or go to law school. However, aggressive behavior has been found in the species if they are forced to live in Connecticut, take baths with their owners, ride tricycles and are not given their Xanax in a timely fashion. Verdict: Mostly harmless unlike… 2. Africanized bees? Africanized bees have been on the loose, interbreeding with European honey bees and generally having wanton relations with anything that buzzes including but not limited to cell phones with really annoying ring tones. These are the sluts of the insect world and their goal is nothing less than the complete and utter destruction of the morality of our impressionable youth. Unfortunately, they have now been found in Utah, otherwise known as the “Beehive State.” Really. Who could have seen that coming? Bees going to a place called the “Beehive State.” It is obvious the Mormons, having conquered an entire region, are now turning to the battle of the Animal Kingdom and have started with, of all things, killer bees. It appears to be mutually beneficial as professor Kirk Visscher, well-known bee expert since 1985 (duh,) says Africanized bees “tend to get irritated faster, respond with more firepower and stay mad longer than other bees.” Now if that doesn’t describe the likes of Mitt Romney, Donny Osmond and Wilford Brimley to a “t” I don’t know what does. Verdict: Still not immune to being squished by a well-placed boulder. Mormons on the other hand… 3. Mormons? The Church of Latter-Day Saints, or LDS, (which many juvenile-minded idiots realize can be rearranged to be LSD but is something this humor columnist would never even consider doing or even mentioning,) follow the Book of Mormon published in 1830. They have “Missions” which are given to them after they have gone to a “Missionary Training Center.” In the movie God’s Army, a missionary was quoted as saying, “I felt like I was on the front lines and it was a war between good and evil.” Verdict: Even though they believe they are “at war,” wear “Temple Garments” otherwise called the “Armor of God,” do something called a “Hosanna Shout,” have dietary restrictions and practice ritualized fasting and appear to, as a rule, have extra teeth, Mormons should not be considered a threat although they have several things in common with… 4. Militant Islam? Male Islamic radicals do not always wear pants. Now who hasn’t had the nightmare where we find ourselves out in public without pants? Don’t you just want to die? Perhaps social embarrassment is part of the reasoning behind these people blowing themselves up. They holler from minarets several times a day. Like Mormons, they also believe they are “at war” which they call “jihad” and believe the killing of civilians and bystanders is justified. It is considered a religious obligation to execute those who do not enforce sharia law. They go to al Qaeda training camps to prepare to obey the issued fatwa which orders the faithful to “fight them (Jews and Crusaders) until there is no more tumult or oppression, and there prevail justice and faith in Allah.”Most people consider these goals and beliefs to be threatening and have a healthy fear of those who stated purpose in this life is to kill most people. However the verdict is: Muslim radicals are not the greatest threat to America. That designation, according to Utah State Senator Chris Buttars is reserved solely for… 5. Gays. The Senator was quoted in the Salt Lake Tribune as saying, “the gay-rights movement was ‘probably the greatest threat to America’ and likened gay activists to Muslim radicals.” Now don’t you feel safer now? How silly of us to be fighting a war on terror when the real danger is homosexuals! After all, they’ve started no wars, killed no innocent civilians or bystanders and have no problem with the existence of either America or Israel or even Wilford Brimley. They’ve only produced divine art with Michelangelo, contributed the most advanced scientific thought with Leonardo da Vinci and written beautiful music with Tchaikovsky. While drag queens are “homosexual men with too much fashion sense for one gender” (from the movie To Wong Foo,) they would never throw a perfectly good shoe at anyone with whom they disagreed. How could we not see the REAL threat America is facing? Time to redeploy the troops.
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