Once there were two scientists: Dr. Piff and Dr. Poot. Both were of superior intelligence and had extraordinary powers of logic and reason. Both were well-respected and had earned various advanced degrees.
They were close friends and thoroughly enjoyed the company of each other.
Dr. Piff and Dr. Poot met every week to play Team Trivia Pursuit: Genius Edition.
Their friends were an astrophysicist who was a lot like Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson but was not quite as handsome, a beautiful woman who famously tested at a very high IQ just like Marilyn Vos Savant (but not quite as high) and a brilliant British theoretical physicist and cosmologist who had an autoimmune disease and spoke through a computer voice synthesizer who wasn’t Dr. Stephen Hawking because his hair was much less groovy.
Their friends would have been Dr. deGrasse Tyson, Ms. Vos Savant and Dr. Hawking but because of this thing called a possible pending lawsuit, they are not. This writer, however, would like to point out that this makes the parable no less true and no less funny but more importantly, the writer would like to emphasize the first rule of law school is “never, ever sue poor people.”
The writer is broke.
Dr. Piff and Dr. Poot always played as one team and Kneel, Ms. M and Biggy H would play as the other.
While they played their game they would sip chocolate milk and listen to the music of Ray Charles because genius does love company.
However, Biggy H tried to cheat by peeking at the answers. Ms. M spiked the chocolate milk when no one was looking. When he gave the wrong answer, Kneel would deliberately tip the board over and yell, “RANDOM OCCURANCE!” But even with all of this, the team of Piff and Poot won every time.
Everyone agreed Dr. Piff and Dr. Poot were probably the smartest people in the whole entire world.
However, the two scientists disagreed about the Moon.
Dr. Piff loved the Moon. Dr. Piff thought the Moon was beautiful, romantic and easy to rhyme with. Dr. Piff eagerly anticipated the phases of the Moon and scheduled social activities around lunar eclipses.
But most of all, Dr. Piff loved the Moon because of how it regulated our planet’s tides.
Dr. Poot hated the Moon. Dr. Poot thought it was singularly uncreative of mankind to call the moon: moon. “We don’t live on planet Planet,” Dr. Poot argued. “Can’t we call it Bebop or Zortog or how about something pretty like Julia?”
Dr. Poot thought the Moon would be more interesting if it was a different color or had stripes or polka dots.
But most of all, Dr. Poot hated the Moon because on nights that it was full; it interfered with Dr. Poot’s stargazing.
Dr. Piff and Dr. Poot’s arguments over the Moon grew more and more heated. They began to hurl insults at each other in public and to question the other’s intelligence and powers of reasoning.
Their friendship suffered.
During their weekly games, Dr. Piff and Dr. Poot yelled so loud, they drowned out the music of Ray Charles and threw their chocolate milk at each other. The games of Team Trivia Pursuit: Genius Edition became so unpleasant, no one enjoyed it anymore and they stopped their meetings.
Word got out of this split in the world of the intellectual elite. Followers began to align themselves as either supporters of Dr. Piff or Dr. Poot.
The Piffers wanted the Moon to stay just like Dr. Piff said. Dr. Piff was smart, they all agreed, so if we agree with Dr. Piff, we must be smart, too.
The Pooters wanted the Moon to go, like Dr. Poot said. Dr. Poot was smart, they all agreed, so if we agree with Dr. Poot, we must be smart, too.
Both sides also agreed that anyone who disagreed with a smart scientist must be quite, quite stupid.
The Piffers only associated with their own kind as no one wanted to voluntarily spend some time with someone who was so wrong. The Pooters felt the same way.
Each side would gather together to congratulate themselves on choosing correctly. They would laugh at the other side for being so inferior.
While neither Dr. Piff nor Dr. Poot had anything to do with the groups, they nevertheless felt empowered by the number of supporters.
“More people agree with me!” they shouted at each other. “I must be right and you have to be wrong!”
Clashes between the groups were inevitable. Every time it was loud and unpleasant. It came as no surprise when violence broke out.
Kneel, Ms. M and Biggy H missed their games of Team Trivia Pursuit: Genius Edition. They missed the music of Ray Charles. They missed their chocolate milk.
But most of all, they missed their friends Dr. Piff and Dr. Poot.
They decided to propose a debate with themselves as the judges. Each side would send a representative. The argument would be presented. A decision would be voted on.
The Piffers and the Pooters each chose the one person who was the most fervent and passionate believer in either Dr. Piff or Dr. Poot.
The contest began with great fanfare and extensive media coverage. The pro-Piff side went first.
“As the representative of the Piffers, I say the Moon should stay!”
“Okay,” said Judge Ms. M. “And that is because of how the Moon regulates our planet’s tides?”
“Of course not!”
Dr. Piff looked concerned. Dr. Poot smirked.
Judge Kneel asked, “Then why does your side want the Moon to stay?”
“Because of the Moofalo!”
Judge Biggy H typed, “The Moofa-what?”
“The Moofalo are the wild Moon Buffalo that roam the Moon. They migrate each month from one side to the other and the extra weight changes the tides on Earth. If we get rid of the Moon, the Moofalo won’t have anywhere to live and we won’t have any more tides.”
Dr. Piff began to look for a hole in which he could hide.
Judge Ms. M frowned, “There is no such thing as a Moofalo.”
“Is.”
“Is not.”
“Is so.”
“Have you ever seen a Moofalo?” Judge Kneel asked.
“No one has seen a Moofalo, Your Honor. They’re invisible.”
Dr. Poot laughed, “Your followers are idiots, Dr. Piff! Invisible Moofalo! Ha HAH!”
Judge Ms. M pounded her gavel and called upon the Pooter representative to present the argument for the Moon’s removal.
“The Pooters all agree the Moon should go.”
“And that is so that it will be easier to stargaze?” asked Judge Kneel.
“Of course not!”
Dr. Piff peeked out of the hole. Dr. Poot started to sweat.
“Then why remove the Moon?” Judge Biggy H typed.
“To kill the werewolves!”
Judge Ms. M grimaced through her impending headache and said, “There is no such thing as a werewolf.”
“Is.”
“Is NOT.”
“Is so.”
“Have you ever seen a werewolf?” asked Judge Kneel.
“Of course not. Every Pooter holds an ice cube in our hands when the Moon is full and that keeps away the werewolves.”
The judges were rendered mute.
“It works great! Not a single Pooter has been bitten by a werewolf yet!”
Dr. Poot scooted into the hole with Dr. Piff.
“But we want to get rid of the Moon because we’re running out of ice.”
Ms. M called an end to the debate because she needed more aspirin. Biggy H wheeled out of the room typing, “I’m going to have to compute pi for an hour to grow back the brain cells I lost listening to this rot.” Kneel remained seated as his jaw was still on the floor.
Dr. Piff and Dr. Poot looked at each other in their shared hole and began to talk. They realized that even though they disagreed, they had far more in common with each other than they did with their followers. They agreed the Moon could be both beautiful and annoying. They agreed tides were useful but it would be kind of cool to blow up the Moon.
They agreed all of their followers combined probably had the collective IQ of a toothpick.
They also agreed they, too, missed listening to the music of Ray Charles, sipping chocolate milk and beating the tar out of their fellow intellectuals in Team Trivia Pursuit: Genius Edition.
But most of all the two great scientists agreed Dave Barry would probably think “Moofalo and the Werewolves” would make a great name for a rock band. They thought the real Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson, Ms. Marilyn Vos Savant and Dr. Stephen Hawking might think so, too.
