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Look at the evidence: for a man to dress up to the nines as it were, he wears a tuxedo, that is: pants, jacket, a cummerbund to hold in that little extra and semi-comfortable enclosed shoes. A woman has to first bind up, squeeze, shove, thrust and mangle various body parts into undergarments that would not be allowed by The Geneva Convention although former attorney Alberto Gonzales lobbied hard for them to be included. Those of us who are of a “certain” age need a bit more securing than others. Think big clothespins at the shoulders. Some of us are so generously portioned, we have quite a bit left over after the cinching up has been done. Only one of us had the style and the sauvite to think of taking that big ol’ wad and tying into a big-ass bow to put on a hat to wear to President Obama’s inauguration. Nobody can hat wear like Miss Aretha Franklin. Princess Diana came close but I don’t think she could have pulled off the bow hat with the class of Miss Franklin. She’s not only the Queen of Soul, you know. After we have camouflaged to the best of our abilities, we then put on a dress with the minimum amount of fabric. And they wonder why we’re always cold. For those of you who can wear the mini dress without the aforementioned squeezing, you are really annoying the rest of us. Just go ahead and exhale and be done about it. The shoes for a night on the town for a woman are required to be strappy sandals. Strappy sandals may look quite chic but they are not comfortable and they are not much better than being barefoot. Plus your foot is stuck in a permanent Barbie Doll pose for the evening. With the little dress and the near-bare feet, you might as well stick a bone in your hair and call yourself Wilma Flintstone. Apparently neither Mr. Hannah nor Mr. Barbera was capable of drawing sleeves. The strappy sandal not only shows the entire foot, not a real attractive body part to begin with, it also eliminates any barrier between the feet and the public. Since when did foot odor become desirable? I doubt any time soon we will see a television commercial with a bunch of people doing random things while the voiceover says, “The new Christian Dior perfume: Foot. For when you want to smell like a high school gymnasium after a boy’s basketball game. Spray it for that all-over feeling. That’s Foot. Available now for only $95 a quarter ounce.” When we normal women go out for a fancy dinner, we intend on doing a quite radical trick: eat. And then some. We don’t get to go out to fancy dinners all that often so when we do, we plan on enjoying every bite. We’re not like the freaks who subsist on water with ice cubes for dessert. But it’s hard to do when you’re worried about your bindings being up to the task. Therefore, I propose the new fancy outfit for women. First off, we want a cummerbund, too. We need to do a bit of hiding ourselves and we’d like to look glamorous while doing it so give us a big one. Preferably one that reaches “the girls” and for those who need a bit more support; an attached shelf. We want a comfortable dress that allows room to grow. Say, something between a muumuu and a tarp. We’ve tried going for the gauzy effect and unless you can dip your date’s glasses in Vaseline when he’s not looking, it just doesn’t work. The shoes should be something comfy and they should enclose the foot. I’m thinking of maybe a Dearfoam slipper. If it’s a real fancy affair you can wear the red ones. Now gentlemen, before your protest, I’ll let you in on a little fact. If women are comfortable, they are a whole lot more pleasant in the disposition area. It may behoove you to encourage your partner to be as stress-free as possible. Serene can be beautiful. |
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