I guess I should be flattered.

At my age, no less.  My children are quite sure when I was born, we had barely emerged from caves and were still fascinated by fire.  After all, we thought Pong was an actual video game, we had to dial phones that were tied down to one place via a cord and we had to get up to change the channel on the television which only had four options. 

Just the weekly NFL games have proven how primitive we were.  These throwback uniforms are beyond butt-ugly except for those of the San Diego Chargers.  Sorry, but those powder blue jerseys are just too hip.  But I was watching the Denver Broncos beating the New England Patriots yesterday and between the brown and yellow striped atrocities worn by the Broncos and the orange striped ref uniforms, I thought I would go blind.  The Broncos gear made the 1970s San Diego Padres corndog uniforms look dignified.

But here I am, a middle-aged, overweight, mother of two knocked down flat by the swine flu.

Oink.

And the worst, the absolute worst part of all this is living with my vegetarian son.  First we had avian flu.  Then, mad cow disease.  Now, swine flu.  He is convinced that this is our just desserts for being savage meat eaters.

And boy, does he love to taunt me with it.

Well, just you wait, son.  I don’t know how and I don’t know when but if there is a God in heaven and if there is justice in the world, someday, somehow there will be a Terrible Tofu Disorder and it will strike down all you soy-loving, self-righteous, overbearing, sneering PETA members and us vulgar carnivores will have our chance to revel in our smugness. 

Because, and yes, I know this is only a dream, but it’s my dream, the only cure for Terrible Tofu Disorder will be: a cheeseburger.

Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah!

I don’t know how I got this and you can call it H1N1 all you want but just know that when you do, you’re just supporting the vicious pork lobbyists.  Oh, they’re out there.  They’re out there pushing their pork agenda and trying to indoctrinate our children into believing that the piggy lifestyle is a valid alternative.  They try to cloak their motives in cuteness with Piglet but we know what their real objective is.  They want us to think it’s somehow “natural” for a pig to be best “friends” with a bear of very little brain but there’s nothing in the Bible about pigs and bears, is there?  What would Jesus say about pigs and bears openly living together without even a hint of shame and somehow trying to sweep up Christopher Robin and Roo into their evil little game of Pooh Sticks?    

It’s a plot, I tell you!  A plot!  Wow, this is good Nyquil.

The newest outbreak is I’ve heard about is one most normal Americans have no fear of whatsoever.  Most Americans have lost track of their shoelaces as they haven’t seen their feet in years.  And for some reason, they try to cover this up by wearing their shorts down to their ankles.  I’m an American and even I don’t understand this.  But I think it may be why some people don’t believe Barack Obama is an American.  He’s not obese and he dresses well.  It is kind of fishy, isn’t it? 

But the new outbreak is one most Americans will have a hearty laugh over while they waddle to the pizza bar.  They have found salmonella in raw alfalfa sprouts.

For all we know, the salmonella has been in the raw alfalfa sprouts for years.  But seeing as how often most of us eat vegetables, it is a totally harmless threat.  They might as well put raw sewage in celery for all the damage it would do. 

So for now, I’ll be a pig in a blanket and try to resist the siren’s call to wallow in mud while I nip on the leaded cough syrup. 

Oink.