Ahem.

I would like to make an announcement.

I have a brand spanking new all-time favorite news story.

This story is so great, so awesome, so simply breathtaking, I can almost guarantee the rest of your day will simply pale in comparison.

So continue to read at your own risk.

But in my opinion, it is so worth it.

The Associated Press reported today the following:

“Dallas police are looking for a man who they said repeatedly sneaks into backyards, dances around naked and then runs away.

Police said he usually climbs a fence or goes through a gate and either dances naked or jumps in a swimming pool naked.”

Now, a dancing naked man is more than sufficient to make a dull day bright, I’m sure you will agree.   A dancing naked man that gives private performances in various backyards without making previous arrangements to do so is even more exciting.

But wait; there’s more!

“Police said he also has danced naked on top of a backyard air conditioning unit.”

Did you catch that?  He improvises his own stage.  Because, don’t you just know, a naked man dancing on the ground is thrilling beyond measure but one who hops on top of an air conditioning unit and pirouettes is worthy of lengthy applause.

Backyard air conditioning units are not designed for dancing upon, naked or not.  So this has to be one hot-stepping disco king of strobe-light skill to be able to not only leap atop such a platform but to then perform on same is amazing.

I don’t even think the late Michael “Happy Feet” Jackson was able to do this astounding feat.  Well, perhaps he did but I sincerely doubt he did it in someone’s backyard in Dallas, Texas.  Those people are usually armed and ticked off about something so I can’t imagine they would have a whole lot of patience for Mr. Jackson to disrobe and moonwalk across their air conditioning unit with or without musical accompaniment. 

You have to admire anyone who can dance nowadays.  There is always so much bad news being reported about the economy and wars and angry people throwing shoes and spending way too much time trying to make President Obama look like Heath Ledger.  I still don’t understand why anyone would think President Obama looks anything like Heath Ledger or why they would think that would make any sense whatsoever.  I don’t think President Obama even knows how to ride a horse and I can almost guarantee he has no interest in galloping around Brokeback Mountain with Jake Gyllenhaal although I’m sure Mr. Gyllenhaal is a very nice man.  But to try to make the President look like The Joker from the Batman movie is even stranger because I saw that movie and Heath Ledger spent quite a bit of time in a nurse’s dress which kind of confused me and made me think it was a sequel to Brokeback Mountain but   

Jake Gyllenhaal was nowhere in the Batman movie although his sister was and maybe that’s why so many people are upset is because they sat through the entire Batman movie waiting for Jake Gyllenhaal or at least a single horse to appear and when they didn’t show up they threw their shoes at the movie screen and that made them spill their popcorn which would make anyone sad but now they don’t have to be depressed because there’s a naked dancing man in Dallas!

Now I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking if a there was a naked man dancing on your backyard air conditioning unit, perhaps the second or third thing you would look at would be his face.  And once you saw it wasn’t Jake Gyllenhaal or Heath Ledger or Barack Obama or even Michael Jackson, you would know what he looked like and you could tell the police and they could catch him because, after all, just how many naked dancing men are there in Dallas, Texas?

But you would be wrong.  Our fancy footworker wears a disguise. 

“Police said the man’s face is always covered with a wrap or a ski mask.”

I don’t know about you but if I was planning to dance in a stranger’s backyard on top of their air conditioning unit and I only had enough money to buy one item of clothing, it would not be a ski mask.  I don’t think it even gets that cold in Dallas.  We had an early snowstorm here in Central Oregon last weekend and Beloved Spouse and I spent Sunday shoveling around seven inches of snow and cutting down a couple of trees and never, not once, did we wear ski masks and we as heck did not shed our clothes and do a two-step on top of our air conditioning unit mainly because it was covered with half a foot of snow.

But for now, the people of Dallas not only have to deal with a naked dancer in their backyards, they also have to have THE grouchiest police department in the whole entire world.

They described their suspect as “white, about 30, about 6 feet tall, with pasty skin and a pudgy belly.”

You know, there’s no reason they had to be mean.