“Hello and welcome to the new hit game show, ‘Who’s the Next Adolf Hitler!”  I’m your host, Biff Barf, and let’s get right to it and meet tonight’s panel!”

Audience:  Yay!

Biff: First, tonight’s judge, back from the dead and ready to party, he’s big, he’s hip, he’s nationwide, the original Bavarian Bad Boy himself, your Fuehrer and mein: Adolf Hitler!

Audience:  Boo!

Hitler: Cheer or I will have you all shot!

Audience:  Yay!

Biff: Tonight’s contestants are all U.S. Presidents.  First, is Bill Clinton.

Clinton: Hey, y’all!

Audience: Yay!

Biff: And #43, George W. Bush.

Audience: Yay!

Biff: We’re proud to have our newest Commander in Chief: Barack Obama.

Audience: Yay!

Obama: This is really, really distasteful…

Biff: Taste has nothing to do with it, Mr. President!  This is America! 

Audience: Yay!

Biff: And finally, we also have the dearly departed, Ronald Wilson REAGAN!

Reagan: Well…

Audience: Yay!

Biff: Okay, panel.  For tonight’s first question: How do you feel about Jews?

Obama: Several of my closest advisors are Jewish. 

Bush: Jewology is a religion.  I understand religion.  I am a religion. 

Clinton: Hey, as long as they’re hot!

Audience: Yay!

Reagan: This reminds me of a story.  Nancy and I were at the ranch…

Biff: Not now, President Reagan.

Reagan: Well, alrighty.

Biff: Jews, President Reagan.  How do you feel about Jews?

Reagan: I liberated the Jews during World War II…

Biff: No, you didn’t.

Reagan: I didn’t?

Biff: No.  You just saw the Army training film.

Reagan: Was I in the film?

Biff: No.

Reagan: Well, alrighty.

Biff: And the answer is?  Herr Hitler?

Hitler: Taste like chicken.

Biff: Oh, I’m sorry, panel.   No one had the correct response.  But speaking of chicken, the next question is: What is your favorite food?

Reagan:  Jellybeans.

Bush: Tex-Mex anything.

Clinton: As long as it’s hot!

Audience: Yay!

Obama: Cheeseburgers and pizza.

Biff: Herr Hitler?

Hitler: Jews.

Biff: Oooh, sorry.  No right answer, again. 

Audience: Yay!

Hitler: I will tolerate no jocularity!

Bush: What’s wrong with liking sports?

Obama: I like sports.

Reagan: That reminds me of the time I pitched in the World Series…

Clinton: I like the cheerleaders.

Bush: I was a cheerleader.

Clinton: At least you have the legs for a skirt.

Audience: Ooooooooh!

Biff: NEXT QUESTION! 

Audience: Yay!

Biff: You have been provided pencils and paper.  For the next question, rearrange the letters in your name.

Reagan: Adorn all winos.

Obama: Hark, I use a Bob’s “A” can.

Bush: Shoe bugger.

Clinton: Um, William Jefferson Clinton is “leafworn film injection” with one leftover “L.”

Biff: What does the “L” stand for?

Bush: Liberal!

Audience: Yay!

Biff: And for you, Herr Fuehrer?

Hitler: Fill her toad.

Clinton: William O’ Reilly is “Limi yellow liar.”

Bush: What’s a limi?

Clinton: A hybrid limo.

Audience: Yay!

Biff: NEXT QUESTION.

Hitler: You’re all idiots.

Clinton: I was a Rhodes Scholar. 

Hitler: I wrote Mein Kampf!

Reagan: I wrote a book.

Clinton: I wrote two books.

Obama: I wrote two books.

Bush: I read a book.

Audience: Yay!

Biff: Panel, please.  What are your views on education?

Obama: All the money in the world won’t boost student achievement if parents make no effort to instill in their children the values of hard work and delayed gratification.* 

Bush: Is our children learning?*

Clinton: Some of the coeds are hot!

Reagan:

Reagan:

Biff: Will someone, please wake up President Reagan?

Clinton: Hey, Ronnie!  Wakey, wakey!

Reagan: The Wall…Tear down the Wall…

Clinton: Hey, I didn’t know you were into Pink Floyd!

Audience: Yay!

Biff: FINAL QUESTION!

Audience: Yay!

Biff: What is your opinion of communism?

Clinton: Some communists are hot!

Obama: I believe in the free market, competition and entrepreneurship.*

Bush: I’ve never lived in a commune.  I lived in a dorm.

Clinton: Good times there, buddy?

Bush: Oh, yeah.

Reagan: You can tell a lot about a fellow’s character by how he eats jelly beans.*

Biff: No, President Reagan.  Communism.  How do you feel about communism?

Reagan: Soviet communism is the focus of evil in the modern world.*

Hitler: I like how you think, Ronnie.

Biff:  Ding, ding, ding: we have a winner!

Audience: Yay!

Biff: Tune in next week for when we try to find the next Josef Stalin!

Audience: Yay!

Clinton: As long as she’s hot!

*Actual quotes.