I have a problem with my freezer.  It’s really quite puzzling and I just can’t figure it out.

When I come home from the grocery store and try to put away the food, the freezer always has plenty of room for the frozen vegetables but there is never enough space for the ice cream.

Not wanting to be wasteful, (nay, perish the very thought) I am forced, yes, absolutely forced to eat said ice cream simply because there is insufficient space in my freezer to store it properly.

This NEVER happens with vegetables. 

Now, while you may smile and say, right, room for the vegetables but not the ice cream?  But this is the same kind of thinking that was recently reflected in a new poll conducted by NBC News.

Roughly half of all surveyed believe four big myths about health care reform to be true.  Half of us are diving face first into the Ben and Jerry’s while the peas and Ore-Idas get freezer burn.

How does this happen?  If you repeat a lie often enough does it become more important than the truth? 

Friedrich Nietzsche said, “No man lies so boldly as the man who is indignant.”  I don’t care how loudly you yell them; the lies of health care reform remain false.

But are these the real issues dividing the country on the health care-reform argument?  Perhaps the problem can be summed up by Douglas Adams, “A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.”  

As a professional fool and unemployed humor columnist, I believe I am imminently qualified to discuss the other big lies.  The Big Three.

Barack Obama is not an American.

Granted, the democratically-elected President of the United States has many physical characteristics that make him appear un-American.  The most glaring is the most obvious: he is not obese.

If that wasn’t enough, he doesn’t wear baggy shorts that expose half of his behind or enormous tennis shoes that dwarf his actual foot and may get caught occasionally in his baggy shorts.  Everyone knows this is the official uniform of the REAL American and he had just better get with the program.  Who does he think he is dressing stylishly? 

We also cannot overlook his skin color which appears to be a normal shade for humans.  REAL Americans are dyed in various shades of orange such as Congressman John Boehner who is part Oompa-Loopma, have two faces like Senator Chuck Grassley, have death-defying comb-overs like Senators John McCain and Carl Levin or have eyes that spin independently like Congresswoman Michele Bachmann.   No, all our President has is the enormous ears which may help him pick up random radio signals which could come in handy since he is now living so far away from his beloved Chicago White Sox.

For now, we will have to assume President Obama is an American but to remove all doubt he should really put on a few extra 50 pounds or so.

Personally, I am in favor of this as long as I get to be one of the judges.  I already have a list.

Here, I believe there is simply a problem in translation.  It’s not health care for il-legals, it’s health care for ill-eagles.

We desperately need to do this.  My own town has a hefty supply of Canadian geese and while they are not eagles in any sense of the word, they are, indeed, ill.  They lounge around our parks and rivers all the live-long day laying turds the size of a Saint Bernard’s and God help you if they decide to fly anywhere over your own personal head.  We also have tons of mourning doves, robins, jays, starlings, sparrows and other feathered creatures and each and every one of them seems to have a terminal case of the squirts.  If the President’s health care reform plan will guarantee force feeding these winged terrorists vast amounts of Kaopectate, I will gladly pay extra taxes to help pay for it.

Of course, you just know the car-wash industry will fight back with Big Lies and scare tactics and over-produced advertisements and…why does this seem familiar?