As you know, nothing has been the same since Shania Twain got divorced, George Carlin died and Rush Limbaugh doubled his size.  I believe Rush ate Jerry Falwell through a process called “osmosis” which means “swallowing whole without pausing to chew.”  It also means I should have copied off someone else for that biology test.

But really, when was the last time you saw the two of them together?  Hmmmmm? 

The true tragedy, though, is not having George Carlin explain everything to us; that is to say specifically: the English language.

No one but George could ask us why we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway.  And while living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see, I miss George pointing out how stupid it was.

For example, “I hope you’re happy now” is never a sincere wish.  “What were you thinking?” is never an honest request for information.  “How could you?” while usually accompanied by a foot stamp or two is never asking for a demonstration.

“We’ve got to talk” means it’s your turn to listen.

If it’s a building, what do you call it when it’s finished being built?  Can you be an atheist and play God?  If nothing is impossible does that mean we’re always doing something? 

If we are told to believe in our dreams, does that mean I am truly a curly-haired turtle eating Oreos?

If life is a joke, what’s the punch line?  If life’s a bitch, can we complain more?  If life’s a beach why am I always in the middle of a tsunami? 

If you can see through me, what’s the point in getting dressed?

Can you make a reservation on a reservation without reservation?   But if you carry on about the charge for carry-ons, can you then carry on like nothing is wrong?  Either way, carrion stinks.

That smell smells like teen spirit or a rat or something fishy.  If you nose around for the truth it will be as plain as the nose on your face. 

Have you ever tried to truly flip a bird?  The bird does not, in any way, care for it. 

If I can speak with my eyes, how do you curse?  If I close my eyes forever, will I end up behind blue eyes or be eyes without a face?  Has the smile left your eyes or is it right between the eyes or did smoke get in your eyes and are those eyes faraway?  Look me in the eyes but first open your eyes or you can cross your eyes to be silly.

Sowing wild oats usually involves carnal relations and adult beverages but when did agriculture become so much fun? 

If it’s bad to buckle under pressure, why is it good to buckle up for safety? 

How did a fly become a part of pants that covers that part of your body?  You can fly into a rage, fly through the air with the greatest of ease, fly me to the moon, fly through the day, fly up the stairs, fly like an eagle, catch flies, shag flies, pop up a fly but, again, the fly really does not care for it.

You can be worry-free and carefree but is it free to care or free to worry?  I want to break free, I feel free, people got to be free, to be free falling, be stone free and isn’t it ever so much fun to shout out “Free Bird” at an orchestral concert?  But, why is it so important to free Dom? 

Now, ol’ Dom has caused his share of problems.  Everyone wants to be the king, but no one likes living in a kingdom.  Stardom is a common wish but rarely is martyrdom although they can both be rather messy. 

Freedom is often the specified cause of war.  “We’ve got to fight to be free!”  But, seldom do I think true freedom requires someone else to die.  Is that wisdom on my part or just random? 

Boredom makes us play dumb but it’s more fun to Play-Doh.   Play the game, play with fire, play with words, just push play but why does it seem more and more people are like Slinkys?

Completely useless but make you smile when you push them down the stairs.

Don’t push it.