The remnants of Western civilization smolder in ruins as the forces of the National Guard, American Red Cross and Anderson Cooper try to calm the survivors of today’s disaster and restore order. 

Earlier this morning, Taco Bell food sprang to life with the abilities to become mobile, talk and crash rock concerts after a hideous industrial accident involving hallucinogenic drugs, recombinant DNA and beans.  Scientists at the facility who were involved in the experiments were quoted as saying, “Wow.”

Burritos, tacos and nachos ran amok begging complete strangers to eat them whether they were hungry or not.  Panic naturally followed resulting in riots, looting and random nudeness. 

There were an unfortunate few who took refuge in a neighborhood Safeway.  They unwisely gathered in the cereal aisle where they were accosted by a Frosted Mini-Wheat who encouraged them to eat his legless brethren. 

Sonny, the Cuckoo Bird, went cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and took Toucan Sam hostage.  The ransom note, spelled out with Alpha-Bits, demanded Cap’n Crunch be promoted to Grand Poobah. 

All-Bran and Total fought Life for supremacy.  Froot Loops sued Fruity Cheerios for copyright infringement. 

Not accustomed to the undue stress, Snap snapped, Crackle became incoherent and Pop, dismayed at always being the third to do anything, attempted to drown himself in a bowl of milk but was unsuccessful even at that since Rice Krispies float.

Raisin Bran tried to get away with only 1 ½ scoops and The Quaker Oatmeal Guy, who was not used to his nap being disrupted, demanded the crowd to “Pipe down, consarn it!” while the Rabbit, sensing his opportunity, finally snagged some Trix.  Lucky let loose with a stream of comic-strip profanity, consisting of moons, stars, rainbows and four-leaf clovers, although the consensus was that while his tirade was crass, it was also, indeed, magically delicious. 

Chester Cheetah left a blazing trail of orange destruction.  Little Debbie swooned and Mr. Twinkie rushed to catch her but was waylaid by frantically pecking Peeps.

The Chips Ahoy cookie rolled over to try to help but one of the customers bit off half of his face.  Miss Green M & M screamed and fainted while Yellow, the peanut M & M, was recalled.

Uncle Ben demanded equal time with Minute Rice but Rice-a-Roni jumped in to fight for rights for…um...those who enjoy “San Francisco treats.”

The Green Giant burst from the freezer section declaring even he couldn’t eat brussels sprouts and taters totted.

Ernie, the Keebler Elf, burst from the enchanted tree bakery to try and calm the populace but Tony, deciding Frosted Flakes weren’t all that great, ate him. 

Diet Dr. Pepper started to dance and the crowd, fearful of hearing that stupid Cheers television theme song years after the sit-com’s overdue death, stormed out of the Safeway only to be confronted by the Burger King.

The frozen face of the creepy apparition in tights made children cry and grown men wet themselves and then the ruckus kicked into the next gear.

The country’s failure to finally name the next California Happy Cow caused a cattle stampede that crushed Mr. Peanut.  Aunt Jemima tried to calm the populace but things got sticky when the Pillsbury Dough-Boy giggled and blurted out, “Try my biscuits.”

Charmin Bears ran in the streets demanding directions to the woods.  Distraught women shaved their heads, dogs mooed and several caped persons were shot for sport.

The riots ran out of steam shortly after the Taco Bell food, realizing no sober person would ever want to eat something that chatted on its way through the digestive tract, announced in the future, all menu items would remain mute. 

The plastic-wrapped sporks and hot-sauce packets declined to comment.