The Bureau of Justice Statistics recently revealed the prison population in the United States was around 2.4 million as of June 2008.  According to the Pew Center on the States, the United States is the leader in the world in both the number and percentage of residents it incarcerates.  Does this mean we have the harshest criminal justice system in the world?  Are there just more bad people doing bad things in America?  Have we, as a country, failed this large percentage of our fellow citizens?

Perhaps.  But I think there is a much simpler explanation.

There are multiple generations of law enforcement in my family. Every officer of the law I have ever had the pleasure of speaking with (truly a pleasure AND an honor) (really) (I’m not just saying it because I have a very healthy and extreme fear of heavily armed persons) have said the same thing about criminals:

“We don’t catch the smart ones.”

And I believe them.  Because I am afraid to argue with these people. 

Therefore, the problem is not with our criminal justice system; it’s with our criminals.  No Child Left Behind has obviously left behind the stupid ones who then go on to commit stupid crimes, get caught doing so and then further increase our criminal population.

I propose a program to teach future felons so as to raise the standard of illegality.  Let’s call it Program to Educate Every Perpetrator or PEEP.  There would also be Continuing Education offered for those who are resistant to instruction.

PEEP would have a wide and varied curriculum.  Classes would include:

-Choosing an Alias (note: do not use the name of a public figure or of someone wanted for a crime or that of the arresting officer)

-The Importance of Spelling (errors in bank robbery note should not make teller giggle)

-Physics and You: Only Santa can slide up a chimney

There would be standardized tests with questions taken from real-life scenarios:

1. If one is ripped off during a drug deal, one should call 911 to file a criminal complaint.  T/F

2. One should only steal cars that are equipped with four tires.  T/F

3. If one is upset because one’s companion farted in a hotel room, one should stab the offender even though one has questionable immigration status.  T/F

4. If one is being arrested for drug possession, one should first turn off one’s cell phone so the arresting officer does not see the text message detailing location of future transaction.  T/F

5. It is a fine idea to write the bank robbery note on the back of one’s electric bill.  T/F

6. If one is going to commit an armed robbery at a place of business with a functional surveillance camera, one should:

a. Wear a disguise of some type.

b. Not get chatty with the clerk one is robbing.

c. Arrange childcare prior to committing the crime.

d. All of the above.

7. Before one steals a car, one should first:

a. Check to see if intended target is, in fact, a patrol car.

b. Try to take it anyway although hands are cuffed in back.

c. Delay arrest for several minutes while arresting officer recovers from laughing spasm.

d. All of the above.

8. If one is holding someone hostage on a boat in open water, one should NOT

a. Ask for sanctuary in some armpit country like Somalia. 

b. Include parachutes in the ransom demands.

c. Conclude the dark makes you invisible.

d. All of the above.

9. If one is concerned with one’s Second Amendment Rights and therefore, buys every weapon one can afford, one should:

a. Still clean up dog’s wee-wee.

b. Thank mom for offering shelter to a 23-year-old grown-ass man.

c. NOT slaughter three of Pittsburgh’s Finest.

d. All of the above.

10. If one has dropped a cell phone at the place one committed an armed robbery and the police call to say they have found your phone one should:

a. Politely thank the officer.

b. Go to the police station to collect the phone.

c. Give the department the easiest arrest ever made.

d. You pinhead.

And a big by-the-way for those of you wishing to commit suicide: if you have decided to take that trip on the Early Exit Off Ramp of Life, please, please, make it a solo trip.

It’s the smart thing to do.