Well, here we are on Graduation Day at Lil’ Abu’s School of Terror and the audience is electrified, aren’t they Al?

They are, indeed, John!  Doing commentary with us today is Imam Bob.  Imam Bob is one of the professors at Lil’ Abu’s and couldn’t be prouder, right Imam?

That’s right, Al!  You know it seems like it was just yesterday when these graduates were little boys.  They grow up so fast!

Why do the boys start school so young, Imam?

Well, Al; it takes a while to build up sufficient hate to be a successful graduate of Lil’ Abu’s School of Terror.  You just can’t start out having being evil enough to blow up a school bus full of children.  First, you have to learn the A’s…

A’s?  You mean the ABC’s.

No, Al.  Just A.  “A is for Allah.”  Nothing more needs to be added.  It’s a real timesaver!

I imagine it is, Imam. 

Do the boys have recess?

Of course they have recess, John!  They play games like Duck, Duck, Martyr.  When you get tagged, you have to play dead.

I’ll bet that’s something to see, Imam.

It’s adorable!  Oh, and Freeze Tag!  That one is very humorous! 

Why is that, Imam?

Try and “freeze” in this weather, Al! 

What about soccer, Imam?

The children love soccer, of course, but it’s hard to get the proper equipment.  Praise be to Allah, we have a steady supply of detached heads available with funding provided by our sponsor.

Detached heads?

Yes, they roll quite well.  They get a bit mushy after a few days but then our sponsor, IBD, brings in a fresh batch.

IBD?

Infidel Be Dead.  They manufacture detonators for suicide vests.  You know, there’s nothing quite so embarrassing as being in a café full of unbelievers and your detonator fails to perform!  That’s why Lil’ Abu School of Terror only uses IBD.  IBD: for when you need to be sure!

I see all the proud fathers, Imam, but where are the proud mothers?

At home where they belong, John. 

Of course, of course. 

Maybe you allow your wife to parade like a harlot.

Um, and here’s the marching band!  But Imam; where are their instruments?

No instruments, Al.  They chant!

Let’s listen in, folks:

“Guess it’s right what I’ve been told! (Guess it’s right what I’ve been told)

My whole brain is full of mold! (My whole brain is full of mold)

Allah help me make the cut! (Allah help me make the cut)

So I can blow up my butt! (So I can blow up my butt)

Sound off…One, two.

Sound off…Death to all Americans, Jews, Crusaders, Zionists, Beagles, Hindus, Buddhists, uh, Wiccans, um, Canadians, Knights Who Say Ni, er, Who’s On First, Julio, Seinfeld reruns, the color green and anyone else who happens to annoy us this week!”

Catchy, Imam!

Well, we like it!

Oh, right.  And what’s this?  Cheerleaders?

We have no cheerleaders, Al.

Well, Imam.  Here come a group of burkha-wearing babes. 

I don’t understand this.  Women are not permitted at the graduation ceremony. 

No, wait; look Imam!  They’re throwing off their burkhas and they are, in fact, I can’t believe it, John; they’re homosexuals.

Well, what are they doing Al?  Swishing about and checking their mascara?

No, John.  It appears they’re standing around having thoughtful conversations.  What do you make of this, Imam?

Make of what?

The homosexuals.

What homosexuals?

The ones right in front of you.

I don’t see any homosexuals.

Are you blind, Imam?

There are no homosexuals in this country.

They’re right there in plain sight!

Nope; can’t see ‘em.

John, do you see them?

Of course I do, Al.  They’re right there.

Imam?

Excuse me.  My security detail has just informed me that these homosexuals are being shipped to America.  They are our greatest weapon.

How can homosexuals be weapons?

A politician from your own country said they were “the greatest threat to America.”  When we heard that, we rounded up every one of them we could find. 

How did you do that?

It wasn’t easy!  Some needed a bit more…encouragement than others.

And you encouraged them by…?

Making more soccer balls!

Well, Imam and John.  Looks like the graduation ceremony is drawing to a close.  Everything seemed to go off without a hitch. 

Yes, Al.  Another class of graduates ready for the honor of Allah.

One thing I have to ask, Imam. If killing yourself and others is such an honor, why don’t you and other al Qa’ida leaders volunteer?

Well, Al.  I don’t like to talk about it but I have arthritis and I just can’t seem to push that detonator button…

It looks like you have no problem making a fist, Imam?

Imam?

Looks like he has full use of his middle finger, too, John.