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Every year for some time now, KC and Ron, the morning DJs on KTWS, Classic Rock 98.3 The Twins set up a contest for their testosterone-laded listeners. The competition is always a variation on a manly-man activity but with a twist, usually of the sadistic kind. For example, instead of the weenie version of “Bobbing for Apples,” they had “Bobbing for Trout” where, you guessed it; the contestants had to stick their faces in a barrel of water that also contained real, live trout. The trout did not particularly care to be bobbed for and in their haste to be unbobbed, emptied themselves of all extraneous matter to speed their getaway. That year, it was really best to go first. They had the “Ironman Competition” which was a contest to see who could best iron a dress shirt. What did you think it was? The “Field Dressing Trials” was a race to see who could dress a Barbie doll in an outfit and coordinated accessories while wearing oversized gloves that resembled oven mitts. When I was a spectator at that one, a man walked by who asked me with a trembling voice, “What in the world are they doing?” I replied with all of the gravitas I could muster, “It’s a field-dressing competition, of course.” He said, “But they’re dressing dolls.” I said, “You wouldn’t want them to go to the fields naked, would you?” He didn’t ask me anymore questions after that. This year they have announced the contest as the “GPS Challenge.” Given that the “GPS Challenge” is held at the Central Oregon Sportsman’s Show, you would think that it would include the use of a Global Positioning System, right? I’m guessing not. One can only imagine how KC and Ron will pervert a “GPS Challenge” and I’m thinking that at least one of those possibilities would have to have the “P” stand for “pervert.” It only stands to reason. My other choices are: -Gilligan Pants & Sailorhat: who can dress themselves in the chosen outfit while blindfolded in the shortest time. -Giggle, Prance and Spaz: for military personnel only. -G-string Pac-Man Sport: a really sick video game. -Gyrating Pirate Samba: an even sicker dance step. -Go Push Santa: self-explanatory. -Goy Passover Snacks: new Kosher-recipe baking contest. -Guinea Pig Skate: getting those little roller blades on their tiny feet would be the tricky part. -Grope, Peek, Scuba: no one under 18 admitted. -Goobers and Pickles in Styrofoam: a packing contest. -Go Play Sockpuppet: self-explanatory. -Grab Purple Sasquatch: the world’s hardest hide-and-seek game. -Galloping Publicly in Sillystring: self-explanatory and requires two additional IDs and physician’s clearance. -Grease, Pluck, Somersault: newest beauty treatment and exercise craze. -Gobble Purple Sheep: they’re harder to find than you think. I’ve given this some thought, obviously (too much, probably,) and I believe I may have solved the mystery of what KC and Ron mean when they say “GPS Challenge.” GREAT PLATE of SPAGHETTI. Yes, KC and Ron are obviously Pastafarians. If you haven’t heard about the Flying Spaghetti Monster, you can buy the book by Bobby Henderson, who is probably a few noodles short of a plate, titled The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster or go to his website at http://www.venganza.org. The book contains the Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts” as well as the explanation for the correlation between Global Warming and the lack of pirates. In short, it’s a hoot. I’ve tried using my faith to ward off the door-to-door conversion folks but my success is limited, at best. -Have you found Jesus? =Did you lose Him again? -No, I mean, what is your relationship with our Lord? =We’re on a first-name basis. -We’d like to tell you about our church. =Sorry, gents. We’re Pastafarians. -You’re what? =Pastafarians. You know, the Flying Spaghetti Monster? - =He touches us all with his noodly appendages. - Just as well. Everyone knows it’s easier to find Jesus with a GPS.
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