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| Got Rapture? |  |
You could drive a hummer, abuse a dolphin and litter to your heart’s content before you would harm the environment as much as you do at the meat counter. I know, okay? But I will never be a vegetarian because I hate tofu, love BBQ and refuse to give up my Hebrew Nationals without a fight. The other day I cooked up some soy hotdogs for my kids and my kitchen smelled like burnt plastic for hours. There is no denying vegetarianism would be healthier for both us and for our Earth. But how do we get people to give up eating meat? Look to the Chinese. As I am sure you have heard, the Chinese have already developed WMDs, that is, Watermelons of Mass Destruction. A combination of too much rain and an overdose of some Chinese super-duper growth hormone fertilizer caused the watermelon in the fields to “explode like land mines.” Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a Watermelon Gap. I know you know where I am going with this. While we would greatly upset PETA in the short run, slipping a little of this potion into the chicken coop would mean every meal at KFC would be popcorn chicken. White meat, dark meat, feather, beak, feet; it wouldn’t matter because they would all be covered in 11 herbs and spices. Next target would have to be cows. You know Scooby, the Demented Jack Russell Terrier, hates cows. I do not know why. Upon spying a member of the Moo-Moo Menace, Scooby will go into a rabid frenzy. Barking and snarling he’ll hurl himself at the car window repeatedly while spraying dog spittle and releasing gas. The air in the car can turn a greenish hue. Beloved Spouse and I recently made the trip to San Diego with our little psychotic dog and let me tell you: driving up and down The Five passing the many stockyards that are in the San Joaquin Valley was a real joy. If we could feed some of this Chinese dynamite to cows, seeing cattle explode would either make Scooby blow what is left of his little unused mind or he would conclude he had acquired magic powers. Either result could be extremely entertaining. Easter ham would become bacon bits. Thanksgiving would be a contact sport. It wouldn’t take long for consumers to change their dietary habits. However, while I was mulling the various possibilities of using Chinese super-duper growth hormone fertilizer in our food, I was slapped upside the head with The Truth. It explains EVERYTHING. Folks, The Rapture is real. The real Rapture doesn’t have secret earthquakes although if it was possible to have secret earthquakes, Japan would have placed their order long ago with a side dish of secret tsunami. Recent statistics show one out of every four Americans is obese. Not overweight, not chubby; obese. For those of us blaming our poundage on “baby weight” or “water weight,” it’s time we faced up to the fact that the “babies” are now halfway through college and if we drank that much water, we would have tides. But for the rest of you, the problem is not eating too much and exercising too little; it’s the Chinese! Along with tainted pet food and lead paint, the People’s Republic of China is slipping in super-duper Chinese growth hormone fertilizer! It’s obvious. First, they very cleverly hide the poison in our favorite foods like doughnuts, French fries and ice cream. Then, if you kind of slur the word, “obese,” you can make it sound like, “oh, beast.” Yes, this is The Sign of the Beast. Eventually, those marked with The Sign will explode. Leaving behind little bits of tattered clothing, one-fourth of our population will seem to disappear. They will “rise up.” Cars will be left without drivers, homes will be vacant and fast-food franchises will leave little soot marks where they once stood. The absence of fried food is, no doubt, The Tribulation. The antichrist will be Dr. Oz (duh) who will try to convince us that rice cakes have flavor and will threaten to yell at us until we agree. Communion wafers will be replaced with celery sticks. Salt will be banned. As a result of this prohibition, gangs and cartels will form around the dealing and distribution of salt and rehab clinics will be packed with the bloated. But, don’t lose hope! It’s not too late! We still have time to pretend exercise is fun and light beer tastes good. Replace the recliners with ellipticals and treadmills. Lose the jewelry for pedometers. Learn your BMI! Because Judgment Day is just around the corner.
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