While walking through the snack aisle Costco, (And no, it wasn’t like I was going to actually buy anything that would ruin my diet, I was simply looking. Truly.) I saw this product that was called “Fruit Leather.”

I understand that Fruit Leather is a fruit snack.  But I can’t believe that “Fruit Leather” was the name chosen by the company name-choosers. 

I mean, really? 

Fruit Leather was the best you could come up with? 

I can tell you with all sincerity that I have never, not once, looked down at my own shoes and thought, “I wished they were made out of fruit so I could eat them.”  

Maybe I should get out more.  Maybe this is a personal expression that is quite common and I am so out of it, I cannot even consider this option. 

I don’t know. 

What I do know is that if something is presented to me to eat and part of the name of that food is leather; I will go hungry.

I’m not a radical vegan, protein disciple or a member of the Carb Police.  I’m just on a lifelong leather-free diet. 

But fruit snacks are a big business.  The International Market for Fruit Snacks, yes; it really does exist, puts the annual sales of fruit snacks at over three hundred million U.S. dollars in 2005. 

These snacks are promoted as healthy alternatives for children.  However, a quick look at any given package reveals that the sugar content is high and the fiber content is virtually diddly squat.  The level of Vitamin C is pumped up from 28% to 42% to 100% of the RDA on any given pouch of rainbow-colored mutant fruit shapes, but honestly, when was the last time you heard of any American being deficient in Vitamin C? 

There are no telethons for scurvy! 

Vitamin C is added to everything, even Ovaltine!

A serving of Ovaltine have 45% of the RDA for Vitamin C which still doesn’t explain why their commercials are so demented. 

The actors in the radio commercials, both children and adults, get so carried away in the excitement of actually being able to drink Ovaltine mixed with milk, cold, hot or, brace yourself; in milkshakes, they nearly swoon from an overdose of joy.  Crazed mobs in the throes of last-minute Christmas shopping appear to be on decaf compared to these Ovaltine drinkers. 

Perhaps that is why there is so much unrest in the Middle East: an inadequate supply of Ovaltine.  If you knew you would have to excise Ovaltine from your diet, wouldn’t you lose all will to live and look for solace in the form of a roadside bomb? 

Answers a whole lot of nagging questions, doesn’t it?

Well, if Ovaltine truly does has 45% of the RDA for Vitamin C, I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that, based on their commercials, the other 55% of Ovaltine has got to be crack. 

I refuse to let my own children drink it until they are at least 21 and have turned to a life of crime.

Hi-C promotes itself as being a beverage o’ health because they have injected 183% of the RDA for Vitamin C in their product.  You do know what happens to the extra 83%, right? 

Hint: it’s not absorbed.

Hi-C’s rival, Kool-Aid, only has 10%, leaving one to wonder why Kool-Aid Man always looks so pleased. 

I think we all know the real reason, don’t we? 

He is called Kool-Aid Man, although try as I may, I cannot see any sign of male or female genitalia, and he is very, very happy. 

They have tried to brute up Kool-Aid Man by giving him board shorts and an unbuttoned shirt but underneath he still wears red tights. 

He has this big permanent smile plastered on his weirdly-shaped head and is seen bursting through walls of homes much like one might leap from, oh, say,  a closet.

You guessed it; Kool-Aid Man is yet another part of the homosexual agenda whose goal it is to seduce our children into that glamorous, decadent lifestyle with its promises of well-groomed hair, snappy apparel and matching socks. 

It will only be a matter of time before our young people are sashaying around with dashing handbags like Teletubbie TinkyWinky and moving in with Ernie and Bert on Sesame Street next door to Patrick and SpongeBob SquarePants while watching reruns of Will and Grace.

When will this wickedness end? 

Maybe instead of abusing our produce by smooshing it into shoe material or inflating it with sugar and excess vitamins or mixing it as a beverage, we should simply eat the fruit as is.

A radical concept, I know; but desperate times call for desperate measures. 

Take your Vitamin C in its natural state. 

Fruit is yummy, low-fat and high in fiber. 

And besides, you don’t really want to go through Ovaltine rehab, do you?