 |
 |
 |
|
| You Say You Want an Evolution |  |
When Dr. Carl Sagan died, his wife was asked if her husband had wanted faith. Ann Druyan, said, “Carl did not want to believe. He wanted to know.” The first anniversary of my mom’s death was earlier this month. My mom had so many questions before she went and no one could really give her adequate answers which irritated her no end. Mom was given a circular when what she wanted was a PowerPoint presentation. An interactive PowerPoint presentation. You say you want an evolution? Maybe that’s not how John Lennon wrote it but that is how it works in my family. I have an ongoing discussion with my niece about evolution. I don’t call it a fight because if it was a fight it would be over and I would have won. The fossils are on my side. But in addition to the fossils, I have my family. And my niece is part of my family so she should acknowledge the wisdom of her elder, me, and know that I am right. Evolution is the only explanation for the longevity of my family. Through the generations we have learned how to duck and when to run. When you combine these two invaluable skills with sheer cussedness, you have a people who live forever. My siblings and I are zooming through the middle ages and, naturally, health issues have come up. However, we have found that while one side of the family or the other may have a liability, (Mom’s side has pancreatic problems, Dad’s side fights high blood pressure) in general, no one dies. Boredom or maybe gentle assistance may finally take some of our elderly but that’s about it. That’s evolution. My brother and sister are older than I am. WAAAAAAAY older. And as they told me so often when we were younger, so much younger than today: my parents already had one boy and one girl so the only explanation for me was that I was on clearance or there was a coupon. Mom did love a sale. And they never called me by my right name. I was always P-nette or Ler-nette or as my Uncle Bob still calls me, Ler-netty. Regardless of my name, I was way too young to play with them. Well, I’m going to outlive them all. Bwah hahahahahaha! Seriously. Nothing kills us. Now, that’s not to say we enjoy good health. Oh, no. Hell, no. In fact, what’s no-ier than no? Complaining about your health is the basis of most conversations at family reunions. In most cases, it’s the only safe topic of conversation unless you have perfected the family skills of knowing how to duck and when to run. Remember. Evolution. It’s real. The only thing they enjoy more is hearing that someone else died. Now this person could have been in their 90s when they passed but still the first question asked is always, “How did they die?” Sargent Shriver was 96 and the news still reported a cause of death. He was 96! Unless he was shooting heroin while jumping a Harley-Davidson Softail over the fountains of Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas while trying to outrun a jealous Troy Polamalu, he doesn’t need a cause of death at 96. But still, they have to know all the details of how the deceased ceased being. Finally, they ask how old the person was and if they person who died was younger than them, it’s a tragedy. They could be a week younger. Doesn’t matter. They were still “too young.” And if the dead were older than them, they will sigh and say, “Soon, I’ll be in the everlasting arms of Jesus.” Or “All things are ready! I’ll be going to the feast with Jesus!” Or “I’ll be bringing in the sheaves with Jesus!” Which leads to another point in my favor of evolution: Jesus is in no hurry for my relatives to join Him. This is a group of people who complain. A LOT. They have lived a long time by ducking and running. They argue about the afterlife and evolution. And when they get there, what do they want to do? Lounge in His arms, eat His food and sling sheaves all around His house. Does that sound like a houseguest you would welcome?
|
