I was on my back in the endodontic chair for a root canal recently.  On the ceiling were televisions for the patient’s benefit and they were all tuned to Fox News.

“Wow,” you may say.  “You actually survived a root canal AND being forced to watch Fox News?  I am impressed.” To which I would reply, “You should be.”

After the ordeal I came to two conclusions regarding Fox News:  (1) it’s about as “fair and balanced” as a one-legged woman wearing a single stiletto strappy sandal and (2) they all wear ugly ties.

Also, they seem convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that President Obama is either (1) Hitler, (2) the Antichrist or (3) a close relative of Vlad the Impaler.

I watch Brian Williams on the NBC Nightly News (who almost always wears tasteful ties that convey the appropriate amount of gravitas) and afterwards I am left disturbed.  It’s a big, ugly, dangerous world out there and it is full of horrid people doing terrible things.  But what concerns me most is how I can be “disturbed” when I cannot recall having ever been “turbed.”

Dis- as a prefix is Latin for asunder which is far more dramatic to say than “dis.” “I think the situation in Darfur is asunder-graceful.”  Really grabs your attention more than “disgraceful,” doesn’t it?  Generally, though, we use dis- to mean “not.” 

If we disagree, we fail to agree but what happens if we work out a dispute?  Do we pute?  Is that allowed in polite society?   

Distaste means not to our tasting and disrespect means to not show respect for something that thinks it should be respected but probably shouldn’t be.  

Disaster is too prevalent and we don’t have nearly enough asters.  

Displease, displaced, dissatisfy, disservice, disguise, disenchant and dishonorable are all self-explanatory.

We can dissuade or persuade but we can’t unsuade. 

Your digestive tract is inside of you so when you distract, you make a real mess that I am not cleaning up. 

Distraction is an amusement and I guess if you’re watching someone lose their traction that would be pretty amusing. 

Discipline is orderly so cipline must be a riot.  We have all felt some discomfort, discontent and, at times, discouraged.  If we are discouraged, we quit.  But if we have courage, we try.  The opposite of discouraged, then, should be bravery.

You’ve been disgruntled but have you ever been gruntled?  The economy may be dismal now but when it improves will it be mal?  Tort is a civil wrong resulting in liability so distort makes no sense whatsoever any more than tribute means to show honor but distribute is to divide. 

We should be discrete but if you tell, you’re a cretin. 

Disciples follow Jesus so are ciples atheists?  Disrupting is rude so be quiet and rupt. 

I suppose dismiss is a sex-change operation.  Dispose is how the photographer wants you to stand.  Distance means something is sitting down.  Distress is a haircut.  Disperse means I left my handbag at home.  Dismay means no, you can’t.  Disco is, “O, that is some really awful music.” 

You may dissent with this discussion but if I cuss, this would no longer be a family-humor column.  I can’t dispute or disprove but I reserve my right to dissent.  Even if it means you’re dissatisfied. 

Brian Williams has distinguished himself with his accurate reporting so if I told him I had great dain for him and his ability to take a good story apart and sect it back together again in a way that even the tinct of us could understand, he would say I was disturbed.

And he would be right.