Here is this week’s column. My future food columns will also be available at http://www.dareland.com/disinfotainmenttoday or if you are in the Southern California area, The Los Angeles Free Press. This one left me all hungry so I’m just sending the same column out to everyone. I have to go snack.
Over 362 billion Oreo cookies have been sold since it was first introduced in 1912, making it the best selling cookie of the 20th century.
It is no wonder that the average American life expectancy prior to 1912 was approximately 50 years. I’m sure if I had been alive in 1912 and had reached 50 without having had a single Oreo; I would have lost the will to live immediately thereafter.
Now when we have over 44 different kinds of Oreos including Double Stuf Oreos, Halloween Orange Crème Oreos, Golden Oreos, Pure White Fudge Covered Oreos, Mini Bite-Sized Oreos, Milk Chocolate Covered Mint Oreos, Winter with Red Crème Oreos, Spring Purple Crème Oreos, Pure Milk Chocolate Covered Oreos and Golden Uh-Oh Oreos with Chocolate Crème, our life expectancy has increased to almost 80 years. It only makes sense to live longer when you have this many Oreos to choose from because you will need time to try them all. Some Oreos are so yummy; they require repeated testing.
But if you ever want to start an argument, and we all know how much fun that can be, ask someone the “correct” way to eat an Oreo. All I can say is: for the love of God, people, do not send Oreos to the Middle East. They have enough to fight about already although it would be interesting to see what an Oreo Jihad would look like.
Just in case you were wondering how you should eat an Oreo, the internet has provided a solution. Simply go to www.Nabiscoworld.com and you can watch three different outcomes of The Double Stuf Race, no, I am not kidding.
First, you will be instructed the official method to do The Double Stuf Race with dire warnings not to change the order of any of the steps, you Philistine.
1. Twist. Twist open your Oreo cookie.
2. Lick. Using only the tongue, no teeth-scraping allowed pinheads; lick off the crème filling.
3. Show your now-cleaned Oreo half to your racing opponent so that they know you did not cheat.
4. Put the halves back together and proceed to dunk your crème-less Oreo in a glass of “moo-juice.” Their word choice, not mine, I assure you.
The first one to dunk and eat their cookie and to chug down all of their milk is the winner.
The website shows the Partner vs. Partner race, which at first I thought was a homosexual couple but actually turned out to be two police officers, a Grandma vs. Granddaughter race and a different Grandma vs. NASCAR driver Greg Biffle. With her similarly-aged and equally-charming girlfriends rooting her on, this Grandma leaves Greg Biffle in the dust and wins the keys to his race car.
For those of you who march to the beat of a different drummer or are so immersed in counterculture, you march to a kazoo, I offer the following alternative lifestyles to enjoying your Oreos.
There are those who twist open their Oreos and eat the naked side first. Then, they leisurely nibble the other half with the entire portion of crème filling. These people are the dreamers, the artists and the creatively inclined. They enjoy poetry, New Age music and moseying. They like to nap.
Then, there are those who bite into the entire Oreo at the same time. As they consume their Oreo in a manner that lets them crunch all components simultaneously, they live their lives in a similar fashion. They go for the gusto, live life on the edge and fidget. They are incapable of waiting on “hold” or standing in line. They listen to AC/DC at a deafening volume and sing along including the multiple primal screams.
Some pop the entire Oreo in their gaping maws at once. These knuckle-dragging orcs swagger, holler and have no fashion sense whatsoever. They believe professional wrestling is real and consider haute cuisine to be a can of Pringles. They usually wear hats.
Others will only eat the Mini Bite-Sized Oreos. They believe the cookies have fewer calories because of their size and so can justify eating the entire bag or bags as the case may be. They daydream at all hours and are so delusional; they believe the Chicago Cubs will one day win a World Series. They should not be trusted with car keys.
Whatever your personal preference, you should take every opportunity to enjoy Oreos. Studies show you will either live longer as a result or at least be able to really savor the years you have.
