Well, they lost.

My San Diego Chargers lost.

We all knew they would.  The Patriots are having that kind of year.  It’s just too bad that they are led by a coach that everyone outside of New England hates.  There may even be a few souls in Foxborough who agree that Bill Belichick is a snot but they are a quiet bunch.

Just remember that the Patriots beat a Chargers team that had TE Antonio Gates playing on one leg, QB Phillip Rivers playing on no legs and LaDainian Tomlinson on the sidelines completely heartsick.  If anyone even thinks that LT chose not to play for reasons other than he was physically unable to, I would like to say you are too stupid to live and should be shot as a community service.  When you have running backs like Michael Turner and Darren Sproles, who had four good knees between them, you do not send out someone who you know would do his dead-level best to hop down the field regardless of how silly he would have looked.

Chargers fans will have an entire off-season to debate “if only.”  If only our team had been healthy.  If only it hadn’t been so cold.  If only it hadn’t been so windy and snowing.

You see, the only thing sports fans like better than watching sports is discussing sports.  Football fans care deeply about such issues as screen plays, free agents and something called “offsides,” a penalty that makes sports fans want to chew their own hair. 

Most football experts predicted the Chargers would lose.  They also predicted they would lose to the Indianapolis Colts but they forgot to tell the Chargers.

The referees got the memo, however.  I have never seen so many phantom penalties in such an important game that had the benefit of instant replay.  Surely there was a fishing line attached to the little yellow hankie with the other end around Peyton Manning’s finger.  Seemed that every time San Diego made a critical play, the refs would call a “penalty” that sent them back.  But even with all the talent of the Colts, the intelligence of their coach, most of the state of Indiana packed into the RCA Dome and the presence of a few officials in their hip pocket, they still lost.  To the Chargers’ back-ups.

And boy did that make the football experts mad enough to spit.  Everyone, simply everyone, mind you, wanted to see the Indianapolis Colts meet the New England Patriots for the AFC Championship.  That, they said, would have been a game for the ages.

The fans of the San Diego Chargers took an exception to that.  If the two best teams of the AFC Conference were the Colts and the Patriots, then the Colts should have won but they didn’t, so there. 

I’ve never played a down of real football but I am a proud member of the Didn’t-Have- Any-Choice-Since-We-Were-Born-Here Chargers Fan Club.  We have suffered lo, these many years.

Neither the San Diego Chargers nor the San Diego Padres have ever won it all.  Never.  But we’re all still fans because

-you only have one home town and

-we’re stupid.

We have rules.  On the Friday before a weekend game or Thursday or Monday if the game is that evening even though that kind of scheduling cannot possibly be the will of God, you must wear your Chargers gear to work.  Businessmen and women wear their Chargers ties and/or jewelry, students wear their t-shirts and hats, babies their Chargers bibs and cowboys trade in their Stetsons for a game cap.

Those from the countries who wear them, attire themselves in Chargers saris and muumuus and take it from me; these outfits are simply fabulous.   

Religion and/or nationality have no bearing on this rule.  Priests must wear their lightening-bolts collars and nuns their powder-blue habits.  If you are Muslim and a man, you wear your Chargers nightie and if you’re a woman, you deck yourself out in your Chargers burkha.  The Jewish community proudly strut out in their Chargers yarmulkes. 

Atheists go nekkid, since they’re going to Hell anyway, but their bodies are painted Chargers blue and yellow.

Regardless of religion, we all pray to the football gods: Thor and Thed.  Why they allowed the guy with a lisp to name the Greek gods, I’ll never understand.

Another rule is that you must root loudly.  Your rootin’ can’t be mutin’ because if you’re quiet and the Chargers lose, it is all your fault.  It doesn’t matter if you’re watching the game in the stadium, at home or in church on the tiny, little TV you’re hiding in the hymnal, you must cheer with enthusiasm.  It’s okay; God understands!  After all, if we’re made in His image, He must be a Chargers fan, too, and must also hate the Raiders as much as we do.  One quick peek at the Raider Nation and you know they’re all godless, heathenistic Philistines. 

When the Chargers lose, and Lord knows we’ve had plenty of practice at this, you do not stop being a Chargers fan.  You pick yourself up, plaster a smile on your face, try not to grit your teeth loud enough to drown out casual conversation and head to the nearest discussion group to debate why the Chargers lost (someone didn’t pray loud enough,) how they could have won if only (fill in the blank) and what we will do for entertainment until next season.  And why do you do this?

You only have one home town and you’re stupid.