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| Evolution? Oh, bother |  |
Or sinister plot conceived and carried out by damned, dirty apes? The day, the very day, I put out a column satirizing evolution in my family, The Daily Mail reports on Ambam the walking gorilla of Kent. Surely you have seen the YouTube video of this by now. This “special little chap” is walking upright on two feet without a stitch of clothing on, mind you. Then he goes parading about as if he had some place important he had to get to lickety splitty and all had best get out of his way and be quick about it. He’s got this expression on his face like, “Bloody hell. We could have been doing this for years!” Well, no good can come of this. Tell me, in the back of your little feral mind, that you didn’t always suspect that Planets of the Apes was a documentary? Hmmmm? Well, now they’ve gone and done it. I tell you, a carton of Nair and these primates will be blending in and taking over the world before we know it. Already, they give far more coherent interviews than professional football players after winning a match. It won’t be long before they notice that their thumbs can move in different ways and before you know it, they’ll be using can openers. I doubt very seriously they will be appeased with bananas for much longer. Now before you get your knickers in a knot, sit down for a cuppa and take a deep breath. There is hope. Ambam, the walking gorilla of Kent, has a fondness for…television. Yes! We have a chance. But we haven’t time to dither about. We must get on this straight away and give this problem the attention it deserves. As soon as possible, we must churn out-- with great haste-- the one thing that will keep those hairy beasts occupied and thus throw a real monkey wrench (sorry) into their plans for world domination. Yes, you guessed it. Monkey porn. I know gorillas are not monkeys. I’m not daft. But just imagine how much kinkier it could get with tails, if you get my drift. We’ll have those dirty little buggers either fascinated or nauseated to such an extent that they will soon forget they can walk and all will be right as rain. Now, obviously there will be a problem with PETA. There always is. We simply tell those nosy parkers that somewhere in the monkey porn footage there is evidence of “underage lemur molestation” but they have to watch carefully for it or it might be missed. THAT should keep them busy for at least several hours at best and by then they should be so traumatized that they will forget what they were angry about in the first place and next thing you know, they’ll be tucking into a plate of bangers and mash. Hah! The swine! Now, you may ask, what if this doesn’t work. What if, you know, they don’t like monkey porn? Well, that possibility is a rather disgusting one but it is one we must confront if we are to be the fittest to survive. Eunuch gorillas can be a tricky lot. Therefore, we must get them hooked on video games. The hardware must be durable as eunuch gorillas can have quite the temper. Losing is not an outcome easily accepted. Ideally, the console should bounce. For those gorillas who have the rare proper opinion about their persons, who feel that they are above monkey porn and video games, you know, the intellectuali of the gorilla set who only watch Masterpiece Theatre and only think dreary thoughts about how everyone else is a bit tacky, for them they shall be supplied their own personal iPads. The Virtuoso Piano should tie them up for years.
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